My heart beat is a little off... both medically and figuratively. It's true I have a hole (VSD if you will), but that isn't really what this post is really about.
My heart beat is a little off ... it's skewed... it's broken. Sometimes only held together by a material sadly as porous as cheesecloth.
I'm not sure how long I can hold on to believing there is more for me. I think I've seen the scenery here before...it's dim, bleek, and unchanging.
I can't continue to give my whole heart when it isn't really wanted...
Thursday, March 31, 2011
I'm Stressed!!!
I'm frustrated today! I just spent the last two days knocked out cold on the couch...and if that isn't where I was, then I was found crouching in front of the porcelain bowl yakking my guts out. Not a pretty sight, believe me!
So, now I'm slowly starting to rejoin the world of the living, only to see that I have a huge backlog of assignments to deal with at work and I have a family issue that is driving me insane!!!
Work...ok, I can catch up. It might take a few days, but I'll be back on track soon... I hope!!! Things are looking crazy...but I should be able to pull it together. Worst case scenario, I work a few hours over the weekend to catch myself up! Easy Peasy. (again, I hope!)
This family issue though...not so easy peasy. Matter of fact, it's messy and crazy! Ugly and disrespectful! Shameful and ridiculous!
You see... my lil' brother, in all his infinite glory, while broken up from his daughter's mother, decided he should get twisted, and disrespect his baby momma. NOT COOL.
How you ask?
Well, I don't have the full details...just some of it... the parts that he wanted me to know...
He sent me a letter trying to explain himself and why he did what he did. (Maybe he doesn't remember the abusive relationship I was in many years ago, so maybe he doesn't realize that I don't sympathize with womanizers). So, apparently, he says he's never done this before. (Yet, I'm pretty sure he told me that before). He says he was mad. (As my Grammie says, "Dogs get mad, people get angry.")
It isn't my place to out my lil' brother and say exactly what he has done to disrespect "S"... but let's just say this... He has anger and alcohol issues and needs help.
It isn't my place to out my lil' brother and say exactly what he has done to disrespect "S"... but let's just say this... He has anger and alcohol issues and needs help.
This to me isn't an excusable act. You don't just act this way and expect things to be okay, or expect people to want to treat you the same. It just doesn't work that way and anyone who does just roll with it has no respect for decency!
So, yeah, you see why I'm stressed? Thanks to some stellar (by stellar I mean shitty) moments by my lil' brother, I'm likely to miss out on seeing my niece grow up.
So, yeah, you see why I'm stressed? Thanks to some stellar (by stellar I mean shitty) moments by my lil' brother, I'm likely to miss out on seeing my niece grow up.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Monday Night Madness
Let me set the stage for Monday nights in my home.
Between the hours of 6:30pm to 8pm, your ears will instantly feel assulted by the crash and boom of every bass kick & cymbal hit...mix in the electrified riffs of mostly teen angst punk rock music, flowing faster than one might really enjoy played at maximum volume and twist in some groove junky bass licks and you've got what I call Monday Night Madness at my house!
They call themselves "The New Pollution".
Right now at this very moment, they are playing the fastest version of "My Generation" by The Who that I have EVER heard. Performing this song has been an evolving project for them. The first night they played it, they didn't know much of the song and even less of the lyrics. Tonight, they did much better. (*whew*)
They have a few other songs on their playlist right now that they sort of circle around playing each week. I'm having a hard time recalling them right now. But believe me when I say they aren't played at their normal tempo. Nope, not from this band.
Tonight they seem to be having some strange radio interference in one of the amps, so country music keeps playing during their performed songs! It's quite funny! :)
So, there you have it. Monday nights at my home include three teenaged boys playing instruments and becoming rock stars in my living room! And although I sometimes wish I could bury my head in the sand to avoid the headache, I wouldn't have it any other way! (I suppose I should get earplugs though)
These kids are super talented and I am happy to be able to provide a place where they can participate in clean creativity with friends!
Between the hours of 6:30pm to 8pm, your ears will instantly feel assulted by the crash and boom of every bass kick & cymbal hit...mix in the electrified riffs of mostly teen angst punk rock music, flowing faster than one might really enjoy played at maximum volume and twist in some groove junky bass licks and you've got what I call Monday Night Madness at my house!
They call themselves "The New Pollution".
Right now at this very moment, they are playing the fastest version of "My Generation" by The Who that I have EVER heard. Performing this song has been an evolving project for them. The first night they played it, they didn't know much of the song and even less of the lyrics. Tonight, they did much better. (*whew*)
They have a few other songs on their playlist right now that they sort of circle around playing each week. I'm having a hard time recalling them right now. But believe me when I say they aren't played at their normal tempo. Nope, not from this band.
Tonight they seem to be having some strange radio interference in one of the amps, so country music keeps playing during their performed songs! It's quite funny! :)
So, there you have it. Monday nights at my home include three teenaged boys playing instruments and becoming rock stars in my living room! And although I sometimes wish I could bury my head in the sand to avoid the headache, I wouldn't have it any other way! (I suppose I should get earplugs though)
These kids are super talented and I am happy to be able to provide a place where they can participate in clean creativity with friends!
A Little About Me...
I'd like to think that since you are reading my blog, that you might want to know a little about me. I'm sure you don't want all the nitty gritty of my upbringing or all the details of my daily routine... but maybe you would like to know a few facts. I'm thinking I'll start with maybe 11... yes...11 facts.
So, let's begin:
1. I have 2 kids - (my son is almost 15 & my daughter just turned 9)
2. I'm a vegetarian - however I still eat cheese and occasionally drink milk.
3. My favorite colors are: fushia, green, pink, purple, black, & red.
4. I like cats, but I'm allergic.
5. I have a dog & a turtle.
6. My hair is long, really long.
7. I love to window shop.
8. I like to garden! I've planted many flowers in my time... I want to start growing veggies this year!
9. The hippie scene is where it's at for me! (drum circles, hula hooping, dancing, friends, etc)
10. My friends, though I only have a few, mean a lot to me, and I try to help them whenever I can!
11. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 14 years.
So, there you have it... maybe you care, maybe you don't, but here are 11 random facts about me at this point in my life. Most of these things will never change... some of them may as time moves on and I evolve.
I think I'll randomly post other facts about myself as my blog progresses, but for now, this is what you get.
Do you have any questions? Do you want to know anything else about me?
So, let's begin:
1. I have 2 kids - (my son is almost 15 & my daughter just turned 9)
2. I'm a vegetarian - however I still eat cheese and occasionally drink milk.
3. My favorite colors are: fushia, green, pink, purple, black, & red.
4. I like cats, but I'm allergic.
5. I have a dog & a turtle.
6. My hair is long, really long.
7. I love to window shop.
8. I like to garden! I've planted many flowers in my time... I want to start growing veggies this year!
9. The hippie scene is where it's at for me! (drum circles, hula hooping, dancing, friends, etc)
10. My friends, though I only have a few, mean a lot to me, and I try to help them whenever I can!
11. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 14 years.
So, there you have it... maybe you care, maybe you don't, but here are 11 random facts about me at this point in my life. Most of these things will never change... some of them may as time moves on and I evolve.
I think I'll randomly post other facts about myself as my blog progresses, but for now, this is what you get.
Do you have any questions? Do you want to know anything else about me?
Thursday, March 24, 2011
I thought...
I thought this blog would be easy... I thought once I set it up the words would flow from my mind through my fingers, like the sands of time through an overturned hourglass, and I would never sit idly wondering what to write.
I've pulled up this posting text box a gazillion times since my first post (two days ago), only to find myself critiquing every single thing I've wanted to post about. I suppose that's the perfectionist in me.
Since I really don't have a following, one would think this would be a no brainer -- just write what you want! Chances are no one will see it (for now anyway), but my cautious being won't allow me to post about just anything. I go through this culling process where a full idea gets cut in half, then culled again, until all I'm left with is a sentence or less... a whispering thought of what once was.
I've started, I've deleted, started again, edited, deleted, started again... and so forth... only to find days have gone by and I haven't posted a thing. Not a thing.
So, now that I've identified that, I have no reason to sit idly. I have a story to tell. And this is the result of my indecisive mind.
I was wrong. So very wrong.
I've pulled up this posting text box a gazillion times since my first post (two days ago), only to find myself critiquing every single thing I've wanted to post about. I suppose that's the perfectionist in me.
Since I really don't have a following, one would think this would be a no brainer -- just write what you want! Chances are no one will see it (for now anyway), but my cautious being won't allow me to post about just anything. I go through this culling process where a full idea gets cut in half, then culled again, until all I'm left with is a sentence or less... a whispering thought of what once was.
I've started, I've deleted, started again, edited, deleted, started again... and so forth... only to find days have gone by and I haven't posted a thing. Not a thing.
So, now that I've identified that, I have no reason to sit idly. I have a story to tell. And this is the result of my indecisive mind.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Julie Baird's story by Darcy Padilla - My Awakening!
Yesterday I cried. Cried like a baby. Tears streamed down my face like two faucets had been turned on behind my eyelids. My heart was aching, my body weak, and my thoughts were searching for something I could not find...
In this profound emptiness, I found gratitude; a whispering moment of peace.
You see, I stumbled upon a story. A story called "The Julie Project" by Darcy Padilla. I almost skipped over the story, but I am now so thankful that I didn't. (Even if it did make me cry.)
"The Julie Project" is an 18 year account of one woman's trials and tribulations. Starting out, Darcy Padilla befriends Julie, 18, (and her 8 day old daughter, Rachel) in 1993 in the lobby of the Ambassador Hotel in San Francisco's SRO (single room occupancy) district.
The following blurb from Darcy's Introduction adequately describes Julie's situation:
"For the last 18 years I have photographed Julie Baird’s complex story of multiple homes, AIDS, drug abuse, abusive relationships, poverty, births, deaths, loss and reunion. Following Julie from the backstreets of San Francisco to the backwoods of Alaska" - Darcy Padilla
The story that continues from there is one that I will NEVER forget!
3 Things for You:
*Please read, remember, and share Julie's story.
*Give thanks to Darcy Padilla for staying by her side all those years. (And for her continuing efforts to find those children!)
*Never judge people, because you may never know of their past or their trials to make a better future.
***PS. Darcy Padilla's story about Julie is very personal, very graphic, and could potentially be offensive. Read at your own discretion. - edited note added 3/24/11
In this profound emptiness, I found gratitude; a whispering moment of peace.
You see, I stumbled upon a story. A story called "The Julie Project" by Darcy Padilla. I almost skipped over the story, but I am now so thankful that I didn't. (Even if it did make me cry.)
"The Julie Project" is an 18 year account of one woman's trials and tribulations. Starting out, Darcy Padilla befriends Julie, 18, (and her 8 day old daughter, Rachel) in 1993 in the lobby of the Ambassador Hotel in San Francisco's SRO (single room occupancy) district.
The following blurb from Darcy's Introduction adequately describes Julie's situation:
"For the last 18 years I have photographed Julie Baird’s complex story of multiple homes, AIDS, drug abuse, abusive relationships, poverty, births, deaths, loss and reunion. Following Julie from the backstreets of San Francisco to the backwoods of Alaska" - Darcy Padilla
The story that continues from there is one that I will NEVER forget!
3 Things for You:
*Please read, remember, and share Julie's story.
*Give thanks to Darcy Padilla for staying by her side all those years. (And for her continuing efforts to find those children!)
*Never judge people, because you may never know of their past or their trials to make a better future.
***PS. Darcy Padilla's story about Julie is very personal, very graphic, and could potentially be offensive. Read at your own discretion. - edited note added 3/24/11
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